Commitment

Day 48

I know somewhat of Your desire to be with me; I don’t have a great sense of why.

I have never felt the sense of someone wanting to be with me, except perhaps my wife and daughter. Anyone else I’m not so sure. So, to have You say You would be with me is an understanding I’m not sure how to deal with; it seems so unlikely. But of all the paths I could walk, I have chosen Yours, because it touches on all the issues I think are important to me, whether profitable to me or not, good or appearing not, intellectually pleasing or not.

I’m not the intellectual religious giant, or the experienced follower of God I might think I am, or even a good Christian for that matter (whatever good is) – but I choose this path, and You, because it touches most of the things I value at the moment. But I know I change my mind often; so, this could be a transition to something else too – I just don’t know. But I’m willing to believe You want to dance with me, want to reveal the Kingdom to me, want to reveal true understanding to me of my desires. I’m hoping that there is a real commitment of both our parts that I’ll let it happen.

Have I placed any kind of emotional relevance, and commitment of my heart, on a conversation with God? Can anyone not be overwhelmed by such a conversation, or the belief that such a thing is possible, let alone rational? Am I deluding myself that the things I would have in my life are answered by having a conversation in myself? It settles my religious emotions to have such a conversation, but is it real, truly meaningful, culture changing, humanity changing? Or am I just pretending?

The disciples had the privilege of seeing You; others have this overwhelming ability to believe without seeing. I’m not like that, and I know it. Sometimes I just need confirmation that I can trade well, and honorably – to commit, to believe, even when losses occur. To sacrifice in the name of an ideal, right or wrong. And maybe that’s the choice before me. To commit, true or not.